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What goes up must come down...or, maybe it goes back up again

Date 3/8/2001 12:00 AM | Topic: Opinion

Picture it: little 8th grade Josh Visser (OK...I'm going to interrupt this train of thought...any of you who know me are thinking, "Josh, you're still the size of an 8th grader, what are you talking about?!?" Well, picture me now, but even shorter and fat).

I was at the 51st Annual Wayne St. Music Camp. After our nightly activities, we would crowd into the elevator in our dorm in huge groups.

It is important to note at this time that there was a boy elevator and a girl elevator. So, I got on with about 25 other boys and we were on our way up to our floor, when the elevator stopped.

OK, we must be on our floor, right?

Sorry, wrong answer Josh!

The doors opened to reveal a cold metal wall and a mere sliver of our floor above us.

OK, these other 25 boys in this elevator...they were HUGE! They were all big jock high-schoolers, while I was a little chubby 8th grader.

We were trapped in this hot stuffy elevator for over an hour, and my face was in the stinky pits of all these boys...so, needless to say, I have a legitimate fear of elevators.

OK, back to the present.

My fear of elevators had died down over the years, but it is now back with a vengeance. Anyone who lives or spends any decent amount of time in Miller Hall knows why.

I live on the 8th floor of Miller, and when I get into the elevator, I'm always unsure of where I'm going to end up.

Sometimes when I push 5, I end up on 2.

When I'm on 5 and I push 8, I usually end up on the ground even if the arrow said it was going up.

I seriously think the elevators are possessed by the devil!

I'm just waiting for the time when the elevator decides not to stop, instead shooting up out of the ceiling like in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

Now, I'm no math major, but I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out a formula for which button to push for what floor you want.

Here's what I've come up with, you tell me what works for you. Take the floor you're on, subtract the floor you want to be on, add you're room number, divide by your body weight, multiply by the cubed root of your SPO number, then divide the total by 5.

Or, you could just take the stairs. We're all way too lazy anyhow.

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Josh Visser
Chips Guest Columnist

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